Tuesday, 20 August 2013

The big polo mint - MRI scanner

It's funny what goes through your head when your stuck for hours on end in a tube with your head clamped down.
My immediate pondering are how much bloody longer. I wasn't even expecting an MRI on the day I went for my initial private consultation . I had chosen my consultant from a newspaper article about the top 10 spine surgeons in the UK.
That was how I had found the amazing Mr Lester Wilson for my previous spine surgery. This time I was looking for a neck specialist. I found one who was in the next County over, so a bit of a trek but nothing that wasn't doable. He gave me some weird tests, which I had to be undressed for. Lucky I had put on sexy black underwear just in case we had to get to know each other intimately. 
It turns out he was thinking, not how sexy I looked in my big knickers, but what was this women doing here wasting his time with no symptoms but a stiff neck. My acute pain from my trip to Colorado had disappeared as quickly as it had came by this time. But he went through the motions, hell I was paying him a lot, for him to tell me I was just getting old. He said he was off on holiday the next day ( he's always on holiday ! I'm now waiting again for him to return from a fortnights holiday ) that I should book an MRI and come back for the results.

The MRI people said they had an opening I could have in an hours time, was I prepared to sit and wait? By this point I was starving. I hadn't had any lunch. So I had noticed all the other normal people helping themselves to hot drinks from a machine. I only drink tea at gun point or if I have a scone with clotted cream in front of me. I checked out the vending machine next to it. It was full of posh looking sandwiches. Not only do I not drink hot drinks, I don't eat sandwiches either. Yep, I'm a fussy fart nightmare. But there in the machine were some biscuits. I stood for what seemed like hours choosing which ones would fill me up the most for 30p. Yep, I'm tight as well as fussy. Then you needed a Masters Degree to work the bloody thing. I pretended to those around me that I knew what I was doing. I can't describe my excitement when it turned out you got two packets of biscuits. Bourbons and custard creams ! I found it funny that everything on offer was so much cheaper than you would get in a NHS hospital vending machine. It that age old thing, of when your rich, you just can't spend your money !

I settled down for the hour wait, dunking my biscuits slowly. I know I was in a private hospital where I'm supposed to be posh, but I didn't care I was starving Marvin. I flicked through some posh peoples magazines, choosing which multi million house I would buy with my imaginary £10 million. The time pretty much flew. 

Of I then popped for my MRI. I've had some before, so I knew about the road works noise around your head. The tube never ceases to amaze me, how confined it is. It always starts me thinking how they would fit a fat person in it. Not only can't you be fat, you can't have an MRI with piercings or a recent tattoo. That in my opinion, must rule out about 50% of the population.
The nurse said I didn't have to strip off into one of those arse baring gowns. I just needed to take off my jewellery. You can't go in the MRI room with anything metal. I suddenly thought about the metal under wiring in my gigantic boulder holder. She went and checked if I had to remove it, which I did. I don't want to imagine the consequences of my uplifted tits, being in a massive magnet. So I sat waiting, with my tits around my belly. 

The man before me came out of the MRI. I was laughing with him about what I'd heard the radiologist saying to him during his scan. It turned out he had fallen asleep. Only a bloody man, could do that whilst the sound of roadworks are going on around your head. Really I was chatting to him, to distract him from my pendulous breasts.

In I went. Little did I know I was going to be in it for hours ! I settled down and was thinking about the fillet steak I was cooking for tea. When it was finished, I was told how lucky I was that a consultant radiologist who happened to be making a visit to the scanner, thought it a good idea I be given a contrast brain scan. She was trying to make excuses to why this was a normal everyday occurrence. The fact that I had banged my head, and that the brain and neck are connected. Hang on , I never banged my head ! So I smelled a rat, but to make her feel better I never let on. So they kept me in the tube, but added a cannula for good measure this time. I was to sign my consent when I wasn't so incapacitated.

It's lucky I don't mind hospitals and don't freak out. The nurse said this time I wasn't even allowed to flinch. I had to be perfectly still at all times, even when she was injecting the contrast dye in. I've since found out the dye can make some people ill, so I was very lucky. To ensure no movement she added an American footballers mask. My head and face was now clamped down and she recommended I keep my eyes shut at all times. In the scanner tube I went again. It's very hard to breathe and be motionless. The more I tried not to breathe heavy the more I did. This scan was different from the off. Each scan was much longer, some of them as long as 6 minutes. My thoughts were turning to the fact there was no way when I had the head and neck pain I could have laid down for this long. Especially in the position I was in. I have been avoiding that position as it was prone to give me migraines. Even with my previous spine problem, I couldn't have laid on my back for that amount of time.

I then realised this wasn't normal and that they must have spotted something out of the ordinary. I have to get prior permission for everything from my insurance company and this obviously wasn't cheap. Someone had made the decision it was imperative without asking my consultant or BUPA.

I took to thinking about what I would do if I was told I didn't have long to live. My first thought was a pyramid of profiteroles from Tescos. I decided I would eat with abandonment anything I desired, and whenever I desired it. And they came first to mind.  I decided there was nothing I wanted to buy, I already had every material thing I'd ever wanted. I had a lovely big house, so that box was ticked. Travel came next to mind. Apart from my trip to Asia later in the year, I didn't have too many more bucket list places left to go. ( at this point I didn't think about the consequences of what I had, on my holiday insurance. At present it looks like I will never be able to return to the States, which makes me sad ) I was happy to think about my family being without me. My children have grow in to lovely adults and have great loving partners to fall upon. They are adults going out into the world, who don't need me so much. I have done my work. 

Meanwhile I am still in the tube and the tea and caffeine has gone through me. I am getting more and more desperate to wee. It was getting to a point I was going to have to say something, after each time I was being told the next scan of my brain was going to last six minutes. They were never ending.
At one point I thought it was the end, but it was only the half way point and I was being injected with contrast dye. It finally came to an end and they were trying to be kind to me, to not unduly worry me. I rushed to the loo and could relax. At last it was over and I could go home. But oh no, I then found out I had to sit there for 20 minutes in case I had a reaction. 
Bless the nurse, she sat chatting to me the entire time. I was telling her I wanted to get home to cook some fillet steak. My son was home for a visit, from a year in Dubai. He was going out and needed to eat before a certain time. I had spent a lot on the steak, as it was a special meal. I had a delicious dinner planned, made up of all our favourite accompaniments. There was no way that fillet steak wasn't being eaten. It'd ad cost me a small mortgage !

I finally left the hospital 5 hours after entering it !!!! 5 hours ........... It was a different day outside. I'd gone in when it was grey and raining and came out to tropical weather.

It looks like MRIs and me are going to be in each others lives forever now. Next time I'll have that pyramid of profiteroles waiting for me when I get home.

PS I sneaked my camera out for a photo whilst I was waiting.

No comments:


Related Posts with Thumbnails